Apr 28, 2008

Stalin Vs. Martians and the 4th Five Year Plan

StalinNope, we won't be discussing Stalin today children, so please do behave and try to stop acting shocked, as all we will be talking about will be games about Stalin, or, to be precise, the two games about Stalin I'm aware of. Right? Right! Excellent, then.

The first game is the appropriately freeware Stalin's Dilemma by famed strategy game designer and SUNY College history teacher Ed Bever. You can download it via the Home of the Underdogs, marvel at its impressive historical accuracy, revel in its intricate socio-economic model and start implementing 5-year plans while preparing for the Nazi invasion, as this is a turn-based game about Soviet economic development between 1928-42. Apparently doing a better -and less brutal- job than Stalin did is nigh on impossible...

Stalin Vs Martians RTSStalin Vs. Martians, on the other hand, a forthcoming piece on applied wargaming surrealism by three whole Russian development studios, seems to be aiming for a slightly less realistic take on Stalin. And it starts exactly where Dilemma ends too (i.e. in 1942), when the infamous invasion of colorful aliens began, though nobody noticed or seems to remember. The game, a humorous 3D RTS of sorts, will probably be available very soon and you can find out all there is to it by following this humblest of revolutionary links. Oh, and here's a rather interesting bit from the game's official FAQ:

Vopros: Can we play as Stalin himself?
Otvet: Yes, but not from the start. Stalin is our commander and he gives us orders. Closer to the grand finale he will appear on the battlefield as a playable unit - a huge colossus, five times higher than any other creature. Just like it was in real life.

Related @ Gnome's Lair: the freeware Icehole games, Age of Decadence interview, Aquaria, Тургор: a dark and surreal adventure


  1. When I first heard of Staling vs Martians a couple of days ago, I couldn't help but wonder about what substances the developers were consuming...cause I want some!

    Just look at the giant 3-eyed green beast, it looks like something taken straight out of "Monsters, Inc." or something, lol

  2. lol
    Those aliens are a tad too cute I'm thinking... Who would want to war against Monsters Inc.

    Were's the aliens from The Dream Catcher...? Now those would suck!!

  3. Ha, saw this on Kotaku the other day. I can't wait :D

    My dissertation is on Soviet Russia and the defense of Stalingrad. I'm tempted to write that the Martians were involved somehow!

  4. Isn't there a movie about Stalin coming out with Robert Downey Junior? He can fire missiles out of his arms, it seems. A very useful unit for a strategy game.

  5. When I first heard about this game, I immediately thought of gnome and hopped over to learn the party line. But, comrade, what revisionist propaganda are you spewing about forgetting the Great Push Against Alien Imperialism?

  6. Wondering if super Stalin has a Purge The army ability :P

  7. Man, where do you guys find the time to play all these games... ?!?!? It seems like Gnome post a new one every other day.

  8. Get these games now!

    You better not be Stalin on downloading them!

    I am glad that State University of New York Professors get the respect they deserve. I went to two SUNY schools myself.

    Plus I finished 8th in the SUNYAC Swimming cometition back in 2002. So that means 6 years ago I was the 8th fastest swimmer in the SUNY system.

    Ahh SUNY Geneseo. Good times. Good times.

  9. I am having sex with prostitutes in GTA IV right now!!! Woot!!!

  10. Funnyman, I think your blog should turn into a running status of your GTA IV sex.

    I'm surprised if they don't have an Xbox achievement for that.

  11. It isn't just GTA Gutter. I am an equal opportunity gamer. I give the same attention to detail to other games with explicit sexual content such as Chains of Olympus and Mass Effect. I will treat the sex in God of War 3 the same way.

  12. You play the field.

    The Mass Effect sex was somewhat anti-climatic. I was even playing a female character.

  13. @ Nebachadnezzar: I'm pretty sure Vodka should be enough for anything. Especially Vodka in Russia, as they seem to use some sort of absolutely crystal clear water that makes for the best drinking ever.

    @ Deitrix: Ahhh, but they would still be nothing when faced with the wrath of father Stalin! Oh, and every day? Nah...

    @ Tom: a most interesting subject comrade Tom. Surely the addition of aliens would guarantee you'll get to publish it on the best journals too. BTW, we will get to read it when you're done, right?

    @ Pacian: Is there? Oh, I do hope there is, as I'm apparently running out of socialist realism films depicting the true superhero abilities of Stalin.

    @ Ioannis: No, comrade, haven't forgotten the *push*. It just seems it's not that much of a hit among current politbiro members. 'member?

    @ Roys: Nope, but he surely has the impressive recite Lenin perk...

    @ Caleb: Swimming? Near New York? Are you crazy mate? And regarding SUNY, was Stalin really that popular over there? :P

    @ funnyman: How very thrilling...

    @ Guttertalk: Errrmm.. yes... gotta answer a comment on your blog methinks... :)

  14. I have found no Gnomes in GTA IV as of yet.... Still looking!!

  15. There's a colony of ours towards the northern end of Central Park... shouldn't have said that, but there goes. Guess might care to look inside the Statue of Liberty too... No, really!

  16. I once drank half a bottle of Russian vodka, left me completely FUBAR...

  17. Must have spoilt or something...

  18. Holy feck! Games about Stalin? Five year plans? Hallucinogenic vodka? Funnyman predictably talking about having sex with prostitutes in GTA IV? Dear Guttertalk lampooning our dear Funnyman quite hilariously?

    I've been away too long...

  19. Indeed you have dear Father, but, if you can be nice enough and notice this lovely chain binding you inside the blogosphere, I'm pretty sure you wont be going wandering off anytime soon...

    Now, time for some tea and biscuits!